Passion Project Spotlight:

When my girl Sarah P. asked me to spotlight on her passion project blog it only took me 6 months to actually do it… and when I sat down and finally did it this is what I spit out. Love you Sarah for loving me and letting me drop the F bomb as much as possible.  It just felt right … haha!  Off the cuff she is.  Bless (hope my Nana isn’t reading this- sorry Nan!)

What do you currently do for work? 

Well– I tend not call myself so much a “yoga teacher” because I feel like it really puts the work I do in a box and boxes have ceilings and you can hit your head on ceilings and then you can’t grow. SO.. I guess I work mainly through movement and story telling… truth telling and hard sweaty work in the form of yoga asana and anything that gets your heart pumping and your mind releasing.

Describe yourself in 3 words.

ha! oh LAWD child… ummm… open, sensitive to the room (as in the people on the mats) and my own heart, insanely driven (sometimes to a fault… don’t tell me ‘I can’t or you can’t because I will and so will you’.)

What are you passionate about? 

Release. Sweat. Big fucking real and raw conversations. I am passionate about making people less alone and more connected in their daily lives. There is nothing worse then feeling like you are in the struggle by yourself or like you aren’t connected to another heart beat — even if its just for the 60 minutes you are in the room on the mat.

How do you live your passion daily? 

By spreading the gospel and living it and failing at it and getting back up and re working it again and again. I teach not only for the ones who show up but for myself. I need to hear this stuff. Its not preachy … like I am in the shit with you. So hold on because who knows whats next… haha! Omg I am borderline insane. But damn if I don’t love it and it does work.

What challenges did you overcome to reach where you are now? 

Oh honey. I understand grief. On so many levels. I have lost my mother, my daughter, and as I sit here typing my second mother (my fathers wife) is dying beside me. This grief thing follows me around. But it has given me this level of understanding of pain. Being with others as they go into these dark places to meet themselves no longer makes me uncomfortable or as if I need to fix it somehow. It has allowed me to learn to just be with … The other thing… That ceiling thing I said earlier.. people want to put other people in boxes. Especially if their box is creating a movement that makes them uncomfortable or doesn’t fit a label such as “yoga teacher” or “healer” or “personal trainer” etc… like who the fuck cares what its called if its working… Amirite?!

How do you prioritize your passion? 

Well I have 3 little kids so they basically run my shit… I have to set boundaries for my work. Because I could work all day and all night. I love it and I have a realllllllly hard time saying ‘No my schedule is full and I can’t take on more clients right now” because as much as it feeds and heals others.. it feeds and heals me too.

Best advice you have ever gotten that has helped you do what you love? 

“just live your life”- thanks Rihanna!

Why is it important to you to live your passion?

It’s important to me to live your passion because otherwise you spend the majority of your days living and working for someone else. I read recently (and I will butcher this).. if you aren’t living your own passions you are making money for someone else living theirs.

What is your super power? 

Being relatable- the good. The bad. The ugly. It’s out there. Finding humor in the darkest corners. You have to laugh. You must. Or life will be so sad and ugly.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Bigger space with lots of great natural light to put more mats down. More love. More loss. Less fucks given. One can dream.

Where is your favorite place to travel & your top travel tip for there?

I LOVE Mexico. It is warm and sexy and dirty and authentic. Travel tip: don’t drink the water. just the tequila.

Want more from Sarah? Check her out at charlestonpoweryoga.com or on her website sarahfrickfitness.com

Grace.

I just want to tell her story.  I know I did and I have and there’s a whole blog out there about how I grieved her little short life.  But I just feel the need for her and me to re share it now.  I had this moment before I carved out this hour where I was like “why are you wasting your time… there are actually living babies on the ground floor who NEED you and does anyone even care?”.  And the thing is – I care.  I will never throw Grace a birthday party on this day to celebrate her life.  She will never have a slew of little girls show up to decorate cup cakes or dance around in tutus.  We won’t get to teach her to swim or ride a bike or shower her with gifts or hug her or parent her.  So what I will do for my first born.  My first child on her 6th birthday is I will share her short but precious story.  Because its important.  Because she’s important.  And what she made of me is who I am.

The day after John and I found out I was pregnant we went out to the beach for a walk and then went to brunch.  I was so excited and felt so special.  Like OMG I got pregnant and I am actually going to do this.  WE are going to do this huge adult thing together and be a family with a baby.  I was wearing a GRACE shirt from Charleston power yoga that day and John said “If we have a girl we will name her Grace”.  And we did.  Grace’s full name is Clara Grace.  Clara is my maternal grandmother and my only living grandparent.  We knew we would call her Grace … what we didn’t know is how important that strong name would be for this little girl.

I had a normal pregnancy for the most part and had wonderful friends throw me showers.  I went to town on decorating the nursery and gearing up for this monumental shift in our life.  I won’t say I loved being pregnant… I didn’t with my others either.  I did love feeling her kicks and knowing I was her mama and having what already felt like a friend with me all the time (I am a pack animal 100%).  Fast forward to my 36 week appointment.

I went to see my mid wife who mentioned I was measuring small.  She thought it would be smart to put me on the ultra sound just to double check.  I was alone.  It was routine and John wasn’t there.  When they took me in they noticed she was actually small but figured my placenta had possibly called it quits and it was time to get this baby out of my body and onto the breast to beef her up.  I knew then.  I did.  I knew something was wrong.  I felt it. I did not know she would die.  I did feel as though something was off.  In my marriage in times like these John is half full and I am scared.  I get protective of my heart and his and now my children as well.  I go into processing mode and try to google and make sense of things so I am “prepared”.  Grace has taught me that we don’t prepare for these things.  We live them.  We feel them.  And then we share those pieces of ourselves to help others through them.  We give grace.

My mid wife and the doctor in the room that day (who went on to later care for me and my twins… God bless you Natalie!) sent me to MUSC to have a big boy ultrasound to see if they could gauge where this growth issue was stemming from.  At musc they noticed a little fat pocket on her forehead and the potential of club feet.  Both markers for an abnormality.  The funny thing is she had neither when she was born.  After the doctors discussed we decided to get to 37 weeks and then induce and deliver at East Cooper.

Though we had this blip everyone around me kept telling me she was going to be ok.  Even the professionals.  Get her out they said.  Then we can see her and help her and feed her strong.  They didn’t know.  They aren’t God.  And I don’t blame them or anyone.  They did their best and were so loving and kind and thats all I could of asked for at the time.  I love them all.  All the people who helped us.  God knew we needed those special women with us.

On 5-14-12 John and I packed our bags and I packed the smallest sweetest little preemie clothes for Grace.  All washed in Dreft and folded tiny and perfect.  We went to the hospital to spend the night to start the induction.  I labored most of the day of the 15th and my monitor looked good.  Strong.  She was kicking ass in there.  Thank you Lord!  Maybe my instincts were wrong.  Maybe this little warrior would be ok after all.  Maybe maybe maybe…  when it was time to push is when it all went to shit.

We lost her heartbeat.  Then she came out not breathing.  The whole hospital went Code blue.  Our room was swarmed with doctors and nurses.  I looked at Barbara, my mid wife, and said ‘why is there no noise… why is she not crying?’.  As Barbara was trying to care for me I remember her yelling at the team trying to save our baby- who I had yet to see – “what was happening?”.  I remember looking at John dead in the eyes and telling him ‘its ok … we will do it again”.  Because I knew.  I knew then that she was not meant for this life.  For this earth.  She was not meant to come home and see her nursery and be our baby on earth.  She was far to precious. And to sick.  We didn’t know yet how sick though.  They intubated her and as they wheeled her out to be rushed to MUSC NICU we saw her.  She opened her eyes and looked at us.  And she looked scared.  And that look will always stay with me.  My child looked terrified and shook.  Her entry into the world that I brought her into was not peaceful and warm and on my chest… it was rushed and painful and tragic.  It broke me.  But I kept it in.  John needed me that night.  I was in shock.

We had to spend the night at east cooper and the next day we went down to MUSC where she was in the NICU.  She was there almost 3 days.  Grace had a paralyzed diaphragm so she could never breathe on her own.  With this came a host of other issues as well.  The night she died they laid her on my chest.  We took her off the ventilator sang her Jesus Loves Me and let her go home.  I don’t think anything in my life will feel that out of body as that moment.  I couldn’t understand that this was real life yet I was more present and aware then I had ever been or have been since.  Here I was postpartum.  lactating.  My body was craving this baby I had grown.  My brain was flat yet alert with every beep of a monitor.  My body was heavy and ached.  I felt so alone.  They took John and I and Grace into a room where we bathed her and put her in a smocked pink dress.  We looked over her body.  Little hands and toes and ears.  Then we had a women come and take pictures.  I didn’t want to.  It felt so morbid and strange to me so I called it off.  And as I did the women who had taken pictures for John and I’s wedding walked in the room.  Thank you Travis for being you and being there.  Why God full circles life will always be a mystery to me but he does and I am so glad it was you.  I cherish those few pictures I have of my baby girl.

We had a funeral for Grace where so many people came to hug us and cry with us and love us. We had friends who held us up.  I literally shut down for a solid 2-3 months — we moved.  We got pregnant.  We lost that baby too.  We grieved more.  We laughed thru tears.  We fought thru tears.  John had a better grip at this point and I could not get past it.  Took me a long time.  I am a feeler.  I am also a healer.  Waylon being born was the first time since May 15th 2012 that I exhaled.  I remember it.  It was perfect.  Gene (love you sister) placed him on my chest.  I felt air and grief that had been stuck in my tissue leave my body.  I softened.  I trusted again.  It was time.  Grace thank you beautiful perfect as you are child for coming when we needed you and doing the work you were to to do.  Some people live 110 years to serve their purpose.  Some live 2 and a half days to serve theirs.  You will always be my first. I will always have 4 children. I love you.  I am sitting here at a coffee shop sobbing, blowing my nose on a sweaty t shirt in my bag, and I don’t give a shit.  Your mama is crazy like that.  You’d of really gotten a kick out of me.  Can’t wait to hold you again one day.  And I know I will.

 

“Grace that taught my heart to fear
And Grace, my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed

It was grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home”

Holding Space in Transition:

When I started thinking about writing this post it was going to be all about saying yes to too much and why we (I) do it.  And then life happens. And I can only write what my heart feels and though there is value in diving into the yes plight, it is not where I’m feeling pulled this morning (though I will write that one soon!).

I believe so much in the practice(s) we do on so many levels. And, for me, one of the hugest components of that is the art of holding —uncomfortable, hard, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful, sometimes angry space. To be able to just sit with another person and let them feel and be fully wherever they are. The art of transition is not all happiness, light, and “good vibes.” The art of transition is deep and raw and can feel shaky, scary, and lonely at times. I know this because I’ve been there myself, I’ve been there for people I love, and will surely be there again in my own life. If you think about it, life is just  a series of one transition to the next.

lululemon did a video around being present a few holiday seasons ago and in one part the teacher being interviewed said, “the most present you will be is to hold someone’s hand when they are dying…but why wait to get this point?” That has stuck with me SO hard since I heard that. Partly because I know it to be true. I held my mother’s hand while she took some of her last breaths and my own daughter was in my arms when she too left her physical body. These are the transitions we train for, not prepare for. There is no preparation in these times. There is, however, an opportunity to go all in. To be with.  And those times (the good. the bad. the sad. the best and the worst) are always with us.  They train us for the next time we have to run that marathon or be on the side lines as we watch someone we love run it. We can’t step in at mile 25 and start running for them.  Thats not how it works. And even though we want to, we can’t. So we jog beside them and hand them water (or wine), we cheer with them, we cry with them, we let them be angry and tired and sad and even though it’s not what we want for them (or for ourselves), we know the only way out is through on this journey. I experienced this with some great sisters while going through my own struggle to have a healthy brood of my own babies.  They knew where I was and even though they were having babies left and right, they inlcuded me. They let me be happy for them and sad for me.  They let themselves be happy for them and sad with me. Me being where I was did not make me an outcast, unless I chose that, or make them or me feel bad for our journey together. I really respect these types of relationships and neither side of the coin is easy.  And I got that.

I used to have such a hard time with confrontation. Partly because I am a people pleaser and want everyone to like me (Yep! I said it. It’s who I am and I can assume your thing is not much off that mark either.) and partly because I hated being uncomfortable with those feelings of others.  Of them feeling mad or sad or angry at me. For letting someone down. The other day John and I were talking about transitions in a group and he said, “if you know you’re operating with kindness and fairness, why would you sacrifice your own worth and happiness to make sure someone else is going to be more okay than you?”  Such a strong question. Like, where do we draw the line between being a kind human operating at high integrity and being stagnant for the sake of someone else’s path. Put your air mask on first, then others’.  It’s not selfish. How can we care for others when we are not embodying our own worth and well being?

I guess that brings me full circle (in a very Sarah-esque way- haha!). We practice this stuff in a room where we are jumping and feeling and crying through our skin to hip hop and soulful beats. We stay on our best days. We stay on our worst. We like it. We stay. We don’t like it all the days. We stay. We stay when it’s jump squats. We stay when it’s rest.  We practice being present for ourselves in order to be present and honest and real and transparent in all the other practices.  AS WE HEAL, WE HEAL. No words have ever been truer. We must practice this stuff everywhere, all the time. So. Today: Phone down. Eye contact. Hand on heart. It’s ok. I see you. I am always here for you. I love you today and everyday.

xo, Sarah

My people…

So these characters here… these are my people.  The big guy is John.  He’s my husband and all around wild man.  Loves adventure, good beer, and scaring all of us (like thinks its the funniest thing ever and we are all crying and he just laughs and laughs… bless.) He keeps us all on our toes and loves us fierce.  The big squinty eyed kiddo is my main man Waylon… he was the baby that saved me and delivered me from an epic broken heart after much lose.  He kinda has me wrapped around his little finger- and he knows it.  The two little people are my twins.  Della (or Big Dells as we call her) was born first.  She is my baby girl and loves her mama something special.  She is the baby girl of the house and we all fall all over her.  When Dell says jump you jump!  The last little is Van (The Vanimal!).  This child was put on this earth to create happy wherever he goes.  He is full of life, non stop, and smiling from the time he opens his eyes until he closes them.  I LOVE my people.  They drive me CRAZY.  And man am I blessed~

xx, Sarah

For your heart:

Why this works for me: The spiritual living room opportunity.

Here’s the thing guys…I have spent so much time—years and years “cleaning up” the outside to make it look pretty enough, slim enough, strong enough, tighten this and that, dress this up, eat this for that, hair up, hair down, suck in, tuck it in, button it up. Shall I continue?  I know you have too—come on—yes you have. I see you in me and me in you. That’s why we are here together. And it’s cool. I like that part. And that’s the thing—it’s only part of it. I find what truly feeds me, feeds my soul, drives me, and affords me the opportunity to live this practice on and off the mat is being real about what’s happening on this inside. In the dark and dusty corners. In the place where we are once taught to believe things are shameful or wrong or bad. When we hide that stuff and dress it up it gives it more power than is necessary. The longer it stays hidden the higher chance it has to turn into a pattern, a habit, an addiction. Something we need to numb out on or act upon in desire to push it down or away.  In the above practice we allow ourselves contraction to go in and look around with lights on.  To add expansion and open the heart and free it up! Not let it go. Just free it up. Move it. Possibly go in and gently lay with it—be kind to it. It’s been with you a long time. Move with it on its way out the door.  You’re leading it now. It’s not leading you anymore. This thing may come up over and over again, but just like any kind of practice, the more you go in and look it dead in the eyes and uninvite it, the more effective it is.  Try the above exercise for 1-3 minutes for a week or more.  Let me know how this works for you!

xx, Sarah